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Hey friends and deviants, me again...

wow, I've just gotten back from my valedictory dinner. From this moment, I've officially graduated from highschool, with my VCE certificate intact, at least the unofficial one until the results are posted. Today was a day I'd never forget, mostly for the bad counterparts. My emotions were challenged in a way I wouldn't have expected on my day of graduation by my parents. I'll start this entry off by retelling my account of this supposed 'glorious' day.

This morning, I awoke late, hearing the voices of my parents and grandmother, I was upset, I didn't want to hear them or talk to them. I discovered I won't be reunited with my Dad and cousins in the phillippines anymore... after missing them for almost 6 years, they've foiled my plans and just decided to tell me that my passport was expired, so any hope of leaving this december was flawed and they expect me to carry a smile on this day. I was in heavy reflection, singing the song "Home" many times which I wrote after mum broke the news to me that I won't be going... (yes they told me no, then to not lose hope, told me i had a booking chance and then told me my passport was expired) I didn't know how to react. Singing the song continuously gave me some distant fantasy of a possibility of a miracle but I was only dreaming... it's not going to happen...

So then came graduation mass. I couldn't bear going, I wasn't in the mood, and my parents bitched behind my back about my attitude. I casually smiled and fooled my friends everything was okay, I wasn't going to impose this on them, not today. The service wasn't too bad but when it came to thanking my parents, I found it hard. Yes they were there for me financially and supplied a roof over my head, but that's their only help. Everytime I needed moral support, I could never turn to them, they'd impose their ideals against my beliefs. They never believed in my music, they've never believed in my ambitions to sing in the future. They were never understanding of my emotions and when I walked alone towards the car at the conclusion of the service, they bitched once again. thank god I have a trusting sister to inform me...

It all became too much for mum, she cried. Calling me the most ungrateful person in the world and my step dad basically released a speech kicking me out of home at the start of next year. Wow, don't I feel special now? Doesn't graduation feel awesome?! I'm sure it does, at least according to them, how they're the center of attention for this special day... I just sat there, I didn't know how to react. I read aimlessly on the program guide while I was lectured. Can they not see I was upset? Can they not have foreseen through my gestures I wasn't at all interested in this day? They probably think I'm some spawn of the devil, and they must be right, I am afterall their son and they are my parents <.<

I may seem rather harsh, and ungrateful in some retrospects but when you find out that the thing you've been looking forward to for so long is just taken away from you, how are you supposed to react? Am I being too mean to them? I didn't think so, I wish they would have understood my side of the story instead of expecting me to be the oh so cheerful graduate who gives thanks to his parents in that climatic kodak movie scene. To me, your parents have to be more than monetary supporters, they've broken my dreams and emotions so many times, I've almost lost love for them, and that saddens me to say... They've hurt me too much.

I don't know what to do anymore, I mean what to do next year. It all seems like the world is coming down on me, excuse me if that sounds too Emo. I didn't post this up for sympthathy, I didn't post this up for attention. I always used Deviant Art as my life's journal whenever something eventful occured so why not express my views to you all? Why not let deviants know about me? I've got nothing to lose, I just needed to vent this issue out, because I've lost the anger and tears to physically express my emotions, they've brought me down too low to even make a squint of acknowledgement of their accounts.

I'm sitting here, next to my cup of tea wondering why everything I plan or hope for falters? Why many of my friends drift away and why I'm so distant and insecure sometimes, all of these events have caused me to ponder about these things, I know it'll get me no where but I felt it was right. I'm sitting in the kitchen, my parents and grandmother have just left, probably to my uncle's house to tell him how much of an ungrateful pest I am <3

I never pictured my day of graduation and liberation like this... I mean, they made me feel so loved, they made me feel so at home... they made me feel so comforted and congratulated... FUCKING BULLSHIT. Excuse my french readers ^^

when I muttered, "This is the worst day of my life" when i retreated to my qaurters after breakfast, it seemed to have taken its course and indeed it is. I didn't even have to cry or punch a wall to make it so... I mean everything combined as it is, wow... Everything just hit me, I don't really know what to think, do, say, feel anymore...

I miss my family, I don't feel at home where I am, My dreams and hopes are just futile against the reality my parents are imposing on me, and well, according to them, I'm just ungrateful... wow... i seriously, wow, I just want to laugh right now... I find everything that has happened today just funny in the aspect that everything has just gone wrong on a day that was supposed to be one i'd remember for the rest of my life, I guess that's still going to happen, I'd remember it as the day I had to congratulate myself for finishing highschool.

I don't need comments from people, do me a favour, and listen to my song "Home" on my music myspace, maybe you'll understand, maybe you'll think it's crap, maybe you just won't care, just listen. Knowing you took a minute to see what's happening in my world is humbling enough, i know I don't have it as bad as the kids in africa, I always used that comparison to drive me to ignore the convictions placed upon my by basically everyone excluding a few so... I don't know...

Hooray, highschool is finished, I wonder if what's after is just as good <3